Conceptually, we know physical violence is wrong. But, when it is there, what is the best way to deal with it?
Many people argue over whether violence is a legitimate cause for divorce. But, if you are stuck in a violent situation, that is not even an issue. The important thing is to stop the violence immediately--to get to safety immediately.
Childhood
People who grow up in violent homes often learn that violence and expressions of anger is the way to get what one wants. Others in the family may become accustomed to appeasing the violent and angry person, covering for him or her, making excuses, justifications, explanations, learning to pacify them. And, this appeasing of violence may become a comfort zone.
That is why it is so important that children be protected from growing up in violent homes.
Dating Relationships
Before kids reach this stage in life, hopefully they will have been taught not to become involved with a violent person. But, once a relationship starts and the couple begin to get their sense of worth and identity and security from that relationship, it can be very difficult to end that relationship even if it is violent. After all, it may be an addiction to a violent environment that created the attraction and sense of security in the first place. It feels like home.
The problem with many dating relationships today is that they are not done with much wisdom but rather with a soap opera mentality where feelings of the moment are king and those in relationship have hardly the maturity of a pre-teen.
What needs to happen is that people need to learn to form relationships with purpose and wisdom and a legacy or generational mindset. The person you marry today will effect the following generations, and a good place to start blessing your children is with your selection of a spouse.
Do you want a husband or wife who beats up siblings, parents, boyfriends, girlfriends? Do you want someone who has been unfaithful and/or abusive to a long historical chain of partners?
If you are in a relationship with a violent person, you made a mistake. You are better off getting to safety and breaking off the relationship over the phone. Don't listen to suicide threats or violence threats. If they come and if it's necessary to do so, call the police. Move. Get away until the anger cools down. If your boyfriend or girlfriend shows a clear desire of the heart to be open to receiving any kind of help available to overcome this problem, then let them make progress without you. If they quit, then you made the right decision breaking up. If they continue on determined to overcome with or without you, then that's a good sign their determination is sincere. But, there still is a danger of falling back into the same patterns because the same people are involved and that creates expectations that can allow the old habits to come back very quickly.
Physical Violence in Marriage
If you find yourself feeling like you want to be violent, get some anger management help immediately. It makes no difference whether you are at fault or not. The important thing is to be stable and healthy and in control and not under the control of emotions. You want to be able to do what is wise.
If you find yourself being bullied physically by your partner, walk away peacefully. Don't be afraid to get to a shelter or call 911 if necessary, but do it without escalating the situation. The important thing is to stay calm and safe and get yourself and the children to safety.
The problem is, the law may not always be on your side even though you may be right. But, those who work with domestic violence on a daily basis may be able to provide more expertise on how to handle this best.
But, one goal you should shoot for is to make sure whoever suffers from anger out of control gets help and gets through a program designed to help people manage anger constructively.
It's hard. Even after going through such a program, it may be easy for couples to fall back into the same patterns again if there is no program there to form new habits and ways of doing things. But, if the violence cannot be stopped, the cost may be the loss of the marriage. And, often that can even make the problems of abuse worse.
Statistically, it is much more likely that a step parent will be violent than a natural parent. That is not to say step parents are evil or worse, but rather that people who grow up in violent homes often marry and divorce violent people repeatedly. Furthermore, often stepparents do not have the same investment or identity with the child that natural parents have.
But, a darker side of this is that sometimes abandoned spouses can become very angry over the loss, and if that person was already violent, there is a chance that he or she may try to obtain the upper hand in the divorce through violence if the courts will not give it to him or her.
Fighting Words
Sometimes violents springs out of fighting words. Some spouses, perhaps some who are addicted to violence in the family, or some who may themselves be violent may try to draw the other partner into violence through painful words.
Some people are very intelligent verbally and they are able to go on a search and destroy mission for the things in a person's life which are most sensitive and painful and then hammer on those points to bring the most intense emotional pain. These words can cut into a person's self image and self worth, offend concepts or beliefs held precious, attack loved ones unjustly with threats or slander.
From there it may go into a counter attack and the one who loses the battle of the wits for the moment may become furious. Voices become raised, and a shouting match takes place, and not only are they interrupting one another but they are so completely talking over each other that neither can really be heard. And it gets louder and louder, then there's banging on the table or punching a hole in the all or throwing a dish across the room, and perhaps an attack.
Then the person who launched the verbal war cries "domestic violence". In truth, there is no real danger to this person, but it's easy for this person to take advantage of the situation to make his or her spouse look like a brute who might endanger the children.
Conclusion
Parents must be responsible not only to avoid being violent but to avoid drawing another into violence. But, that's not enough. Parents should be so loving to one another and to their children that violence should be far from their minds. There is no excuse ever for any kind of abuse. There are always better ways to solve the problem. If not, then the problem is not worth solving. Come back to it when you can find a non-violent solution.
But, some spouses are abusive, and the best thing is to defuse, de-escalate, separate, and cool down and then do what it takes to establish anger management practices and habits in the family.
There is no reason to settle for less.
