Some people say parents should never argue in front of the kids, that it's abusive to burden them with adult issues for which they are likely to blame themselves and such.
Other people insist that parents should model proper conflict resolution and teach children by resoliving issues before them in a proper way.
Who is right?
I am not a licensed counselor, but my feeling is based on the notion that we reproduce after our own kind. So, if we're abusive, we will teach our children to be abusive. If we are unfaithful, we will teach them unfaithfulness is OK.
But, there is more to this than the negative side. I feel it is not enough merely to avoid doing something harmful, but it is important to teach proactively and behave intentionally and to choose to model good, loving, faithful, healthy, benevolent, mature behavior.
People are not perfect. We all make mistakes. We all have strengths and weaknesses. And, we will all make mistakes in front of our kids. But, how we respond to those mistakes we or our spouses or our children make will teach our children by example.
If we defend or justify or excuse or deny our mistakes with lies, we will teach our children to be irresponsible. If we batter our spouses for their mistakes brutally insulting them, putting them down, devaluing them, abusing them, we will hurt our children as well and make them feel deserving of such abuse when they make the same mistakes. We will also teach them to be abusive toward ourselves and others.
If we behave dishonestly and manipulative, we will model that kind of behavior before our kids as well. So, if we are going to be good parents and if we are going to love our children enough to seek what is truly best for them, we are going to have to be the kind of people we want our children to become, and we are going to have to be the kind of people we want our children to marry when they grow up.
This cannot be accomplished by lecturing or by trying to hide our faults or excuse them or justify them, but by living our lives with purpose, with vision, with love, with courage, with sacrifice, with wisdom.
